I hate it. I hate that I know I can't do this, and yet, I still put myself through it. Why? Because I freaking adore you. And I hate it. I hate that I get lost in your blue eyes. Hate that every time you smile your goofy crooked smile I can't help but smile. Hate that I obsessively check my phone for text messages from you when I know they won't be coming in. I hate everything that I love about you. It's like a drug. You are my crack. I got a hit and now I can't stop.
You know it. That's why you play your sick little game with me. You want the best of both worlds. You want the bachelor life but you want someone to come home to at the end of the day, you want that deep intimate relationship with someone without losing your freedom. You've seen your friends being sucked up into the married, relationship life and you don't want that, you only want certain parts. That's where I come in. I give you those parts you long for without jeopardizing your freedom because I know how much it means to you. So you turn it into a game. You play as far as you are comfortable with, and then when it gets to the point where you think you are headed down the same path as your friends, you quit cold turkey. Then who gets screwed? Me. Oh, don't mind the girl with the broken heart who doesn't know what the fuck happened because this time was supposed to be different. It's all good. Then when I confront you about it, you feed me some bullshit about how you never want/wanted to hurt me and that you didn't think you were leading me on and how it will never happen again blah blah blah de fucking blah. But I know in a month or two we will be right back to where we were, somewhere in between friends, more than friends, and being together. Confused yet? Me too.
Some would say I am to blame. I should know better and shouldn't allow him to put me through this. Ask any drug addict in the world how easy it is to relapse when you are fresh out of rehab and tempted. Like taking candy from a baby. Sure, I've tried. I've entered rehab plenty of times, leaving with the thought "this time it's going to be different," only to relapse a few days or weeks later. I just can't stop. I enjoy the high too much. I love that feeling I get when he looks at me and smiles. I'm just a damn sucker for that man. Did I mention how much I hate it?
I know. I know what the end result is and I still do it anyways. Why? Sometimes you can't describe the things you do, you just have to feel it. Then you understand. You understand why I put myself through the things I do. I follow my heart too much. And it usually ends up on the floor in a million unfixable pieces.
They say he isn't worth it. They say he's too old, too selfish, too busy, too everything in the book. They say love is blind, hell ya it is cuz I don't see any of that. I see someone who is perfect in every way I could imagine, even though he has imperfections. I love them because they make him him. The real reason I love him to death? He believes in me. When everyone else tell me no you can't, he tells me yes you can, bigger and better than they ever imagined.
Only time will tell if I win or lose this battle with my addiction. But for now it's just a game we play. Kind of like ring around the rosie. Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.
